With A tragic tale (tail?) of two dogs, Peter Pentland takes us into a sleepy country pub where two old yarn-spinners turn their dogs into unwilling proof of every tall claim.

As the grog flows and the bulldust piles up, the barman — and eventually the dogs — reach the limits of patience in this darkly comic pub yarn.

A tragic tale (tail?) of two dogs

By Peter Pentland

It was in an old pub one hot morning
The blowflies kept buzzing about
The barman just couldn’t top yawning
Because of the talk of two boring old trout

They were the only two customers there
And each had a mangey old dog
About which they’d talk with a great deal of flair
As they proceeded to pour down the grog.

It was the usual load of old bulldust
This the barman could painfully see
And he muttered and moaned to himself in disgust
“Crikey, both them dogs got a PhD!”

It was the last thing that morning he’d remember
As he thankfully then fell asleep
So the others helped themselves to the amber
As their bulldust piled up in a heap.

Sometimes the barman would start to awake
And his senses he’d start to regain
But a few words would be all that it would take
To send the coma back over his brain.

And he wasn’t the only one to suffer
Because of the terrible way that they lied
As the dog of one boring old duffer
Moaned softly, rolled over and died.

Now Clarry made some kind of statement
Barney knew because he saw his lips move
And somehow, he gathered, that what he had meant
Was his dog’s superiority to prove

They each dragged their dogs from the hotel
Clarry’s dead, and Barney’s not that far off
Though the difference it seems they just couldn’t tell
Because of the beers that they’d scoffed.

They stood there and shouted their orders
And the dogs they just lay in the dust
So the men marched around them like warders
And yelled till their lungs damn near burst.

It seems that the dogs obeyed them quite well
When the command was to stay or play dead
But neither was inclined to ride a wee bike
And neither would stand on its head.

Since the dogs wouldn’t heed all the orders and pleas
It seemed like they needed some clue
So the men got down on their hands and their knees
To show them what they were supposed to do.

There soon gathered a crowd of agog passers-by
To watch these men playing this game
Then Barney’s old dog put a paw over each eye
And died out of ennui and shame.

After the two funerals that followed
Two mourners returned to the bar
And the beers that they there and then swallowed
Brought fond memories back from afar.

“Mine was the best darn dog,” said old Clarry
“Why you know it even could fence!”
The barman was charged with assault and battery
But he got off on self-defense.

Keeping The Verse Alive

A tragic tale (tail?) of two dogs is shared with permission from Peter Pentland through Keeping The Verse Alive, Country Campfire’s bush poetry preservation project.

By preserving poems like this, we’re helping ensure the stories, humour and characters of country Australia continue to be enjoyed for generations to come.

Peter Pentland

Bush Poet • Folk Performer • Storyteller • Comedian • Broadcaster

Peter Pentland, known on stage as Hayseed, performs traditional-style songs and bush poetry rooted in farm and bush life across South-Eastern Australia. His long career has taken him through folk festivals, stand-up comedy, radio and television, while his stories and recordings keep rural Australian characters and humour alive.

→ View Peter Pentland’s Legend page

Poems, recitals, photographs, stories and original works remain the property of their original creator and are shared by Country Campfire with permission.