Vulgar Bill’s Spiced Pickle by James Cayce is a rollicking bush yarn about a confident country cook, a dangerous batch of homemade pickle and one chicken wing he will not soon forget.
From pots and pans to jalapeños and panicked reaches for a beer, James builds the heat with classic bush humour before bringing Bill’s culinary ambitions back down to earth.
Vulgar Bill’s Spiced Pickle (with apologies to Banjo)
By James Cayce
’Twas Vulgar Bill from Kowpatt way that caught the cooking craze,
turned away the ‘dog’s eyes’ that had served him many days.
He dressed himself in chef’s attire, threw out all his cans
He hurried off to town and bought a load of pots and pans.
And as he wheeled them through the door his trolley rattled and shook
The grinning shop assistant said, “Excuse me, can you cook”?
“See here, young man”, said Vulgar Bill, “from Kowpatt to the sea
From Gulargambone to Parraburdoo, there’s none can cook like me
I’m good all round at everything from ridding sheep of dags
to whipping up some raisin scones – though I hate a man that brags
But cooking is my specialty, my chiefest sole delight
Just ask a drop bear can it climb, a bull ant can it bite
There’s nothing clothed in hair or hide or sat upon a post,
there’s nothing walks or jumps or runs I reckon I can’t roast
But tonight my jaded taste buds will enjoy a little tickle
I’ll be cooking up some chicken wings with lashings of spiced pickle.
’Twas Vulgar Bill from Kowpatt way that to the kitchen strode
eager to set out along the culinary road.
And while the chicken wings he bought were in the oven baking,
he started on that condiment he’d set his mind on making.
Chopped up all his spices, laid them on a plate,
downed a beer or two (or three) and proceeded to create.
There was salt, there was pepper there was mustard in there too,
a little splash of vinegar, some capers – just a few.
There was turmeric and horseradish, a slurp or two of vino
and a chilli that he’d never heard of, called a jalapeno
Now Bill was not the kind of bloke to do things as he should;
he reckoned that if one was fine, two was twice as good.
And with this simple logic having been extrapolated
threw in several more, had a beer and celebrated.
When his chicken wings were ready, all crisp and golden brown
he laid them on the table, put a bib on, settled down
to treat his tired taste buds to this flavoursome delight,
spread some pickle on his wings and keenly took a bite.
“Murder! Bloody Murder” was what he tried to yell
but the fire in his mouth was like he’d just been sent to Hell
His eyes were rolling in his head, his tongue was burning up
he was sweating like a horse that just won the Melbourne Cup.
He was reaching for his beer supply and more was quickly downed
while bellowing profanities, for which he was renowned.
And amid all the expletives and every gasping breath
He was praying to the Lord, believing he was close to death.
Though the fire soon subsided and Bill recuperated
his story always gets a laugh whenever it’s related.
But never has he mentioned it and likely never will
but ‘dog’s eyes and dead horse’ are now good enough for Bill.
James Cayce © 2021
Keeping The Verse Alive
Vulgar Bill’s Spiced Pickle is shared with permission from James Cayce through Keeping The Verse Alive, Country Campfire’s bush poetry preservation project.
By preserving poems like this, we’re helping ensure the stories, humour and characters of country Australia continue to be enjoyed for generations to come.
James Cayce
Bush Poet • Humourist • Storyteller • Parody Writer
James Cayce is the pen name of Zbigniew “Zig” Ignaszak, a bush poet and storyteller whose work blends humour, parody, memory, gratitude and Australian country verse.
Poems, recitals, photographs, stories and original works remain the property of their original creator and are shared by Country Campfire with permission.
