Friesian Heifer by Peter Pentland is a rollicking bush yarn about a kindly dairy farmer whose patience—and bones—are tested by one thoroughly uncooperative cow.
Set around the milking shed and muddy cattle yards, the poem follows an escalating battle of wills filled with hard knocks, stubborn pride and classic country humour.
Friesian Heifer
By Peter Pentland
I used to think myself a kindly man, a man who bore no grudge
But I’m afraid I’ve fallen down as you yourself can judge
There’d never been a kinder man to his fellow man or beast
And I never thought that heifer could upset me in the least.
She was just a little Friesian cow, I’d raised her as a calf
Never once thought she’d try to cut my life in half
But I soon came to realise she was far worse than a leper
When I came to lock horns with that cranky Friesian heifer.
I remember the year well, I took her calf away
I put him with the other calves where he was free to play
I took her to the milking shed for her first go on the cups
And I got her to my herringbone with the aid of my trusty pups.
To get her in position then I wrenched her by the tail
But she lashed her leg back jammed my hand against the rail.
You’d be right in thinking that I’d swear long and hard
While that cranky little heifer simply strolled back down the yard.
A brighter bloke would probably say I’ll let the blighter go
But when you ask if I said that I have to answer ‘No’.
I foolishly pursued her and I chased her round and round
And many times I slipped and fell where the muck lay on the ground.
Oh she was a fit little heifer, I have to give her that
For if it had been a marathon she’d have won by twenty laps
As I near fell exhausted she trotted to the pen
I staggered up behind her and she kicked me once again.
I fell again onto the ground because my leg was broke
The heifer backed out over me quite amused by her big joke.
She repented when on top of me and danced a jig of sorrow,
Which must have bored me greatly cos I slept there till the morrow.
The missus came out looking for me around about dinnertime
Best night’s sleep she’d had for years she didn’t seem to mind.
She took me to the doctor who patched me up alright
And I stayed in bed a couple of weeks to recover from my plight.
Now Fred he was a friend of mine, a kindly hearted bloke
Said he’d do my milking for me while my leg was broke.
He started milking early, but stayed out very late
The missus went and found that he had suffered the same fate.
It wasn’t so very long after Fred and I went to the sales
Plaster casts upon our legs we leant against the rails
The bloke who bought a Friesian cow was quite confused to see
Two crippled, laughing idiots dancing around with glee.
Keeping The Verse Alive
Friesian Heifer is shared with permission from Peter Pentland through Keeping The Verse Alive, Country Campfire’s bush poetry preservation project.
By preserving poems like this, we’re helping ensure the stories, humour and characters of country Australia continue to be enjoyed for generations to come.
Peter Pentland
Bush Poet • Folk Performer • Storyteller • Comedian • Broadcaster
Peter Pentland, known on stage as Hayseed, performs traditional-style songs and bush poetry rooted in farm and bush life across South-Eastern Australia. His long career has taken him through folk festivals, stand-up comedy, radio and television, while his stories and recordings keep rural Australian characters and humour alive.
Poems, recitals, photographs, stories and original works remain the property of their original creator and are shared by Country Campfire with permission.
